Equal Footing Relationships

Have you ever been invited to a meeting in which you do not have any input into the agenda? Or where one side of the meeting tries to lord over the side? Telling them what to do and trying to determine the entire narrative? In battle terminology that is called taking the high ground, which is supposed to give you a distinct advantage. In this article, we will discuss how to level the playing field and why grabbing the high ground is not advantageous for you.

Relationships should always be bidirectional,  with each side giving what is expected of them and taking what the other side has to offer. When done properly, the relationship should provide a win-win, where each side benefits. This is true in all cases even when there is an obvious hierarchical difference - whether it is personal, vendor/customer, employer/employee, partners and even competitors or any other form of collaboration. If there is no way to come up with a win-win, the relationship should be terminated.

As examples:

A customer may make demands on their vendor, lay down the terms and threaten to walk away if their demands aren’t met. They may want a lower price, features delivered at a quicker pace or a higher support commitment. Both sides have the opportunity to walk away if they don’t feel that they are getting their expected or required value. In this relationship, both sides have something to offer and there may be high stakes. The vendor is offering something that the customer is interested in and the customer is offering remuneration. At times, one side needs the relationship more than the other side. 

• The vendor may have a unique offering that will give the customer a competitive advantage. 
• The customer may give the vendor a foot in the door or the ability to increase their market share. 

An employer may insist that their employees work overtime, underpays them, micromanages or provides a poor environment for work. A highly valued employee may make salary/benefit demands from the employer that they can scarcely afford. Both sides have the freedom to walk away if they feel that the expense of continuing in the relationship is too high. Both sides have something to offer that the other side needs. The employees are offering work, which the employee needs to satisfy their customers and the employer is offering salaries that the employees need to pay their bills. In this relationship as well, one side may feel like they are more dependent than the other:

• The job market may be very tight and there are not many opportunities for the employee
• The employer may not be able to easily replace someone with specialized knowledge, experience and contacts

In both of these examples, the dependent side may feel a distinct disadvantage. But what happens if one side takes too much advantage of this and squeezes the other side because they can? They have now grabbed the high ground and can do what they want. There are two major negatives with taking advantage of the high ground:

• People have long memories. While they currently have the high ground and can squeeze, this is likely to change at some point. When someone feels that they have been taken advantage of, they will be more than happy to break the relationship as soon as it is viable for them. They may even start working behind the scenes to find an alternative as soon as possible.
• If you stretch something too far it can break. If a vendor, for example, agrees to more than they can handle, for whatever reason, there is a chance that they will not be able to meet their commitments and go out of business. The company that is relying on the vendor suddenly finds themselves in a bind.  

When the side that can take the high ground decides to be fair and ensures that each side gains what they should be, they are actually protecting their own interests. Always remember that while every negotiation may be considered a battle, the long term relationship is the war. You don’t want to win the battle and lose the war. It is much more effective to look at the other side as your partner as opposed to your enemy. It may cost you a bit more, you may lose a small gain in the short term, but in the long term you will have gained much more. 

What happens if you’re in a relationship and the other side tries to grab the high ground. You are more dependent on the relationship and they try to take advantage. This is the time to try to level the playing field, when possible. You need to explain the ramifications of accepting their terms. “We can accept those terms, however that can potentially cause problems in the future.” Sometimes it is useful to say “no” and to show them that you are not fully dependent on the relationship. This may be a bluff, and it may hurt, but if the only relationship that you can have with the other side is an abusive one, it will continue to hurt for the long term. 

By saying, “that doesn’t sound like it will work for me, I’ll have to get back to you,” you are telling them that you have options. Another thing to take into account is that the other side may also be bluffing when they take the high ground. It is likely that they are pretending to have a greater advantage than they actually do. Always make sure to do your research and fully understand whether the other side actually has the advantage that they are portraying.